Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
We need to get me chipped asap
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
