what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize