I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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