I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
3 2 1 whiskey
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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