Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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