i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
