then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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