it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
