my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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