No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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