Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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