he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
