Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
