i already hear my dad disowning me
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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