Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
it's great music for shaving your balls
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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