This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
