If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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