My friends, they love my intelligence
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
