While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
