just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
