Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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