When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
