I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
