Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
