She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
