bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
