My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
