So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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