I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
