I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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