Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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