I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
