conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
All the doctor said was why
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
