Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
