just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
