Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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