I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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