Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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