Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
