so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
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