My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just googled if crying burns calories
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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