is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
