My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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