Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
