I think I won the penis lottery.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
