I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
