Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
