I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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