I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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