like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I want a musical about memes.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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