I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
