My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
