having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
