There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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