Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
the liver wants what the liver wants
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
