I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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